Patience, focus and unmotivated

I need to remind myself that I should be patient. Always be patient, patience is a virtue, patience, patience and more patience. Even my own self-conscience is driving me up the wall because it speaks to me in a little voice which keeps reminding me that I am not patient enough. "Mark, are you being patient?", or "Mark, patience is a virtue!", these very words ring through my head all day long. I wonder if someone is trying to tell me something. Who knows?

Focus, focus, focus! The next word that hits me like a bullet, shattering the very train of my thought. Well, that train isn't too long anyway, about 10 seconds of focus time at most without getting distracted by things like, "Ooh that car is coming close, I better give way to him" or "Hrm, what should I eat for lunch today" or even work matters! How does one discipline their own minds to stay focus?

Sometimes when our minds start to build an image in it, whereby in that image you see something you really want happening in your life, you tend to put your whole life and effort towards trying to achieve that reality. We can try with all our might but definitely certain things are beyond our own capabilities and sometimes these things we cannot control them.

The journey of finding out the truth or a possibility can be one that is difficult and sometimes one that is sorrowful. At times you might feel the moment when you thought that things are going right and there is hope and at other times, you feel as if you are lower than the gravel on the road. A man searches for hints but sometimes to no avail could it be clear to you. Judgment could have been clouded by certain thoughts and actions controlled by mere emotions rather than logical thinking. But you can't blame him sometimes, because try maneuvering a stretch of road coming down a hill on a bicycle and not have any street lights!

I find it tough especially at this moment, not knowing how things are going. Anything could happen at anytime and just having a negative thought about it and my soul is crushed. I wish it would be easier but then my other sense thinks that this is a challenge. Its not easy weighing possibilities and planning for the worst but I trust God in all of this. Well I try to tell myself that I think so.

But faith means having total reliance on God and I know my heart and mind sways from the 100% mark as we ourselves are not perfect. I may think I have put in effort, but all of that effort and time might have not gone to good use. That's the negative side of me thinking right now. I tried to see some sort of signs, some that might at least give me a glimmer of hope but whenever I think about it, I am sure to have negative thoughts about it and it just sends my spirits right into the pits. So much for saying that I am a rather positive thinking person.

Some people had it easy and some people had it tough, my previous experience was quite easy considering it to be purely on God's grace for me but now I yearn for that very grace. Focusing on other things is tough right now, motivation is low because of a negative mindset but perseverance is absolutely needed, just as much as my morning coffee fix (Nescafe white coffee ftw!). I need to continue to strive harder and harder. But what if striving harder means pushing back that which I seek? Is it truly what I deserve or has the very potter who created me not molded me well enough? (I doubt that since He is perfect in every single way!)

Is this the part when a potter sees that his product is not to his desire that he completely destroys the clay, turning it into nothing but a lump? Am I that lump right now, have I been completely broken down by the potter? Will I be built up again? I truly believe that whatever person that we have turned out to be, God has made us unique in our own individual ways.

I guess what I can't seem to take right now is total rejection and failure. With this, I look at myself and see if my heart and soul, and wonder if my heart is in the right place. It could be, it could not be. But the very fear and worrying that I've been so accustomed to, is totally wearing me down.

I think I need a clear cut sign, I am just too blur, negative and worried.

If only there was one.....

D-day, 1st September 2007